Episode Four: "Finding Your Inner Warrior*"
(*Said warrior must be keeping the weight on them!)
(Cast photos are courtesy of BravoTV.com)
Here we are at episode four of Thintervention and it is starting to give me a major case of the sads.
I see the point that Bravo wants to make about helping folks lose weight within their environment and not some souped-up fat camp. To show the viewing audience how rewarding it is to stick with a diet and exercise program by staying consistent.
But I am afraid the cast members/contestants this season must spend more time coming up with their "off-the-cuff" one-liners and zingers rather than actually, you know, dieting and exercising. Is the problem with the show format or this cast of characters? (Pondering this.)
It has broken down for me this way:
Jackie "Mother F***in" Warner and Craig Ramsey: Love. They are bad-asses but really work to be supportive and not just a bunch of yellers.
Dr. Ramani: Poised, intelligent and no nonsense. She offers good advice that seems to fall on deaf ears. Pourquoi?
Byran and Mandy: Nice, hard working and fun-loving. They actually do the work week after week. Much love here.
Stacy & Shannon/Shay: Alternate between being whining and annoying with hard working and focused. I am on the fence with the both of them.
Jeana: Really comes across as sad and distracted most of the time. How do you pick up a fried coconut shrimp with a camera crew following you on a weight loss show? Sheesh!
Joe & Nikki: Two peas in a pod here. Smart people who use humor to fend off unpleasant thoughts and feelings. But gawd--can they be overbearing to watch and listen to at times!
All of them have the best people available and live in the most climate-friendly place in the U.S. --so what gives with the puny weight-loss numbers? I just don't get it.
So I guess now is as good of a time as any to look at episode four--let's boogie!
Jackie and Craig ask the group to come out to Magnolia Park for a day of exercise that is guaranteed to help them each find their "inner warrior." Adorable Bryan calls his "Ethel." (As in Vivian Vance Bry? Love it!)
Basically Jackie has them do 1-mile laps around the park, a series of kettlebell exercises, followed by more running around the park. Altogether they are expected to run three miles. Not in a row but in three segments. This is not impossible people. But Nikki describes it as just that--impossible. (Sigh.)
Now I will offer this, I hate hate hate running in the rain. And they must do so on this particular day. But really people, how long were they actually there? In the end maybe two hours? Is that really the worst condition in the world for exercise? I say no and call bull shit on Nikki's whining and Jeana's "mall walk" fakery.
The thing is, Jackie is enormously patient with Nikki throughout her tantrum and gets her to even join in on her own volition after one of her many sullen walk-offs.
Afterwards Bryan and Nikki go out for fancy massages which made me feel jealous to just watch them. (Note to self, schedule a Bliss Spa appointment stat!)
Then we have a trip to the grocery store where Jackie basically says "cereal bad" and "fruit good." Though to her credit--some of them seem genuinely surprised by this. (Shannon <coughs> Shay <coughs, coughs>)
Personally I would have preferred watching Jackie fill up her cart with what she eats every day; but maybe that's for another show?
After the commercial break we have the "Jackie visits as a HUGE surprise" as she sneaks up on former ZZ Top video vixen Jeana who is dining at a fancy schmancy yacht club--the Pacific Avalon Charters.
Now Jeana is followed by an entire film crew from Bravo. So why on earth is she cheating on her diet right the hell in front of them? Does she just not care at all? It may be a matter of she simply doesn't value herself and said pretty much the most disturbing thing comment I have heard on Thintervention yet.
As soon as Jackie asked Jeana to "reflect" on herself more she immediately responded "I will kill myself." How did someone so lovely with so many breaks in her life get beaten down so badly? I have to say I was surprised Jackie didn't insist she consult a therapist but instead encouraged her to keep on the program. IMHO, she is clearly depressed and in need of care. Am I overreacting? Please tell me if I am.
Okay enough of this bummer parade--lets bring on the hot firemen! (And Jackie in a cute outfit!)
Here we are at the big weekly challenge at the Orange County Fire Authority. Lots of shots of hot firemen fill the screen (thankyouverymuchBravo) which gives all of the ladies the vapors. All are in high flirt mode when we hear Joe give his deep, brainiac thought on the topic: "Fire fighters don't f*** fat chicks." Keep it classy Joe. Your dance card is going to fill up real soon I can tell.
Pretty standard fare here with the contestants running around in firemen gear and doing different "fireman-ish" activities to get their asses moving. All except Bryan who tears his chest muscle or something like that. Its all kinds of crazy-serious with emergency crews and tubes up the nose going on.
But Bryan claims to be fine and even goes for an "angry" jog at home when it is over. (So cute!)
Keeping it brief: Mandy and Jeana wind up winning the challenges that day and get to put out a big, staged fire with the fireman. I have to say, holding one of those hoses while putting out a burning pile of something in a parking lot would be kind of a turn on for me too-- so I understand their excitement at this "win.' (Oh get your mind out of the gutter! I was being literal.)
Then we have the shit-storm therapy session. Whoo boy! You can see the highlights in this clip:
Everyone is frustrated and mad at everyone else as well as their puny weight-loss numbers. And they damn well should be. These numbers are kind of pathetic really (for most of them.)
Episode Four Weigh-In Numbers.
- Jeana: 2 lbs.
- Bryan: 3 lbs. (With a ripped chest something or other and all.)
- Nikki: 2 lbs.
- Shannon/Shay: 1 lb. (With a bum knee)
- Mandy: 3 lbs (Well deserved!)
- Joe: 0 lbs. (Also had an injury so that's understandable.
- Stacy: 0 lbs (Lots of "not fair" tears here.)
At this point Jackie gives them her own hard numbers:
- They should all be eating 1300-1500 calories per day.
- They should all be burning about 3000 calories per week through exercise.
- You need to burn 500 calories per day in order to lose 1 lb. per week.
So why are they not losing more each week? Because they are are bull shitting us! (Cue next week's episode clips that feature a lie detector giving them the business!)
Wee! Can. Not. Wait.
Finally I offer my own "bon mots" from episode four, all from my trusty notepad:
Jackie "Mother F***in'" Warner:
I cannot believe how nice you were to Nicki and Jeana this week. You really make me see how being a coach to others is just as much about kindness as being an authority figure. Thank you!
God damn you were just a big bucket of awesome this week. Always working hard with no excuses. Brava!
Please take better care of yourself. Forget your doucebag ex-husband and embrace your future. Please!
You are still making sexist remarks some times and you aren't as clever as you think you are. You might also just be hungry most of the time so I will let it go this time.
Shannon/Shay:(Bravo's web site and TV show give two different names for her.)
I hurt my knee before and it sucks ass. I hope you feel better soon because I would love to see you be a track star again.
Please stop complaining! Just freaking do it. Whatever it is in life you claim to be "impossible" --just try to do it at the very freakin' least! See how that works out for ya. (You're welcome!)
Loved you inner-Ethel almost as much as I love you. And riding in the old-person cart at the grocery store was beyond awesome! I am SO doing that soon. Ox ox.
I am calling you on the bull shit. You have to be cheating on the diet somewhere. Come on, fess up! Confession is good for the soul! (Said the lapsed Catholic girl.)
I loved it when you told them to stop over-thinking their problems and just say "stop" at their bad behavior. "Habits are actions--not passive." Indeed.
And Craig Ramsey:
When are you leading a class or a challenge? I wants to sees you mo'! (Bravo TV Executives--get on that!)
Holy shit balls y'all. I am beyond tired. A glass of wine is waiting for me in the living room and the promise of more reality TV is calling my name. So I bid you all a fond adieu until next week. Cheers!
(Thanks to BravoTV.com for providing the clip.)
Until next time...
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